How to have an almost perfect marriage

Hoy os voy a hablar de este libro de Mrs. Fry, el alter ego de Stephen Fry en el que simula que es la esposa del autor. Es un libro con el que me he reído muchísimo. Es divertido como solo saben serlo los ingleses divertidos. Esa self deprecation base del humor inglés aquí la lanza la fingida esposa contra su marido y es divertidísimo.

Antes de entrar en el libro en sí, quiero hacer una mención sobre el método de publicación. Este libro lo ha publicado una editorial que se llama unbound. Esta editorial busca lectores que estén interesados en el libro, o a los que sus características les puedan resultar atractivas. De esa manera se financia directamente a través de los lectores interesados antes de escribirse. Además hay varios tipos de financiación. En el caso de este libro, por ejemplo, podías elegir la opción más simple (que es la que yo elegí) que es que te entreguen la versión electrónica (sin códigos ni claves ni DRMs) y además obtienes el que tu nombre aparezca impreso en el final del libro entre todos los 'mecenas' (o mini mecenas en mi caso). Eso me costó 10 libras. Hay niveles de mayor mecenazgo y mayor precio como copia en papel, de tapa dura, poder hacerle una pregunta a Edna Fry y que te la responda en el libro...

Son nuevos tiempos y nuevas formas de establecer la relación entre escritor y lector. Según la página de la editorial, en el S XVIII también funcionaban las publicaciones pre pagadas por lectores. El otro día me mandaron un bono y he financiado este otro libro, aunque no me interesa mucho a priori, pero si no perdía el bono y era el único que costaba exactamente el bono que me daban... sí, mecenas, pero también rata...

En Amazon también hay convenios de autopublicación de libros en los que por un porcentaje, Amazon te deja vender la versión electrónica del libro y parece que funciona más o menos bien.

En fin, volviendo al libro... Está dividido en capítulos y cada uno tiene un tema sobre las relaciones: cómo encontrar a la pareja ideal, la boda, los hijos, las relaciones sexuales... todo divertidísimo, había veces que tenía que dejar de leer por las lágrimas. También entiendo que haya gente a la que este tipo de humor le parezca de todo menos gracioso. Os pondré algunos párrafos, aunque los voy a dejar en inglés para que no pierdan la gracia con mi traducción. El humor, como la poesía, creo que es prácticamente imposible de traducir.

"I’ve lost count of the times I’ve taken him to the Arndale centre to get a new set of clothes but he only wanders off and gets lost. I’ve even tried burning his existing assortment but he only noticed when the bar staff at the King’s Head refused to serve him unless he covered his you-know-what with the wine menu (not an easy task as they only do house red and white)"

"So, let’s assume your spouse is having an affair – what should you do now? Personally, I’m in accordance with Tammy Wynette when she sings Stand By Your Man. At least, I would be if I could find his stand by button."

"The relationship between a wife and her mother-in-law, for example, can be an extremely challenging one. There can be a huge amount of unexpected jealousy and resentment – there certainly was in our case. But eventually some kind of truce was established between us as I was forced to accept that, no matter what, Stephen was never going to go back to her."

"In fact, Stephen was so suspicious that he recently arranged for a paternity test of his own. I can still see the look of anguish on his face when it revealed that most of the children were his."

"POLITICS AND RELIGION On balance, I would say it’s best to avoid discussions on religion in a marriage, unless one of you is the Pope. Theological matters have been a cause of great division and bloodshed throughout the centuries and, in my experience, there’s quite enough of that in a marriage already, thank you very much."

"COMMUNICATION Most couples will tell you the secret to a successful marriage is communication and I am in complete agreement. If you want to maintain matrimonial harmony, it’s vital you keep communication to a bare minimum. My motto is ‘If you don’t talk, you can’t argue’."

"SNORING While an apparently harmless activity, snoring can be the bane of the married person’s life – it can cause sleeplessness, exhaustion, irritability and an irrational (or rational) desire to murder your partner. If this is the case, I have the answer, dears. Scientists have now developed a special pillow which is 100% effective in stopping snoring – provided you hold it firmly enough."

"After a period of time (about a week in our case) a husband or wife might find themselves having to listen to their partner burping loudly and breaking wind. While in our marriage this was marginally preferable to having to listen to Stephen talk, it was nevertheless a concern."

"EVENTUALLY, no matter how hard you try to avoid them, most marriages are ‘blessed’ with little ones – tiny bundles of ‘joy’ that will turn your lives upside down (assuming they were the right way up to begin with). Before you know it, you will have completely forgotten what it’s like to have a proper night’s sleep, a peaceful car journey and crayon-free walls. Fortunately, being married to Stephen, I was already well used to all of these things."

Por último os dejo con una versión del libro de la letra de I will survive junto con el vídeo original para leerla al ritmo de la música. Para poneros en antecedentes, esto surge cuando Edna se queda dormida dentro de un pastel para darle una sorpresa de aniversario a Stephen que llega borracho:



‘I felt I was a fraud – I was petrified,
Kept thinking I could never eat without you, Stephen Fry.
But then I cooked so many meals
While you were boozing down the pub,
And I grew cross,
And now I couldn’t give a toss.

And so you’re back
From Outer Space,
With your trousers round your ankles and that daft look
upon your face.
I shouldn’t have worn this stupid frock,
I should have sat and watched TV,
If I had known for just one second,
you’d be back at half past three.

Go on now, go! Walk out the door!
Just turn the knob hard,
’Cause it’s not working any more.
Weren’t you the one who had the gall to criticise?
Did you eat my crumble?
Did you eat my peach and tuna pie?
No more, not I,
I will serve five!
Oh, as long as I know how to cook,
I know they’ll stay alive.
I’ve got all our kids to feed,
And I’ve got all the Spam I need,
And I’ll serve five,
I will serve five…or is it six?

It takes all the strength I have,
Not to stand and rant,
Or stuff this ham and lemon pizza down your underpants.
And I spent oh so many nights,
Just eating dinner by myself.
I used to sob,
Instead of cutting off your…privileges.

And you see me?
I’m over here.
I’m not that hat stand in the corner,
You’ve had too much beer.
And so you felt like crawling home
And just expect me to be free.
Now I’m saving all my cooking for someone
who’ll eat their tea!
Go on now, go!’

And so he went…
In the plant pot. And the sink. And the wardrobe.
And I went straight to bed, dabbing my streaming mascara with my marzipan-covered veil.

En fin, muy divertido. Si os gustan los libros de humor y os atrevéis con el inglés, este es vuestro libro!